I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
