he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
