I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize