I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
