I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
