she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
