apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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