I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
