ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
