As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
