Jerry, you need to find god
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
