Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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