I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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