a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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