i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
