In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
