peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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