I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
