Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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