The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
