If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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