Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
