at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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