If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
