I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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