Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
