My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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