So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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