Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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