My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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