i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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