my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
