1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
