Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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