Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
