If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Oh god it's open bar.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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