New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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