My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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