when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
