pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
