I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize