i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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