You really coming over, don't trick.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
