I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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