No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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