you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
