I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
