Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
