I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
