im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
