Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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