I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
