not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
