you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
