So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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