You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
